So I keep getting approached about how if I hadn’t of posted my stories, people would have never guessed what I had been through, then I saw a caption that said “I don’t look like what I been through,” and I just felt the need to put this into the universe.
I have never been the type of person to speak on things that have occurred in my past. It’s just not who I am. It’s definitely a part of me and affects who I am and the decisions that I make, but it is not who I am. I am not defined by my past.
This really hit me during my last year of undergrad. Nicole told me that she never thought we would have been friends. She said she thought I had everything together and was about my business and there was no way I’d become friends with her. When in reality, I wanted to be her friend the most. Stayce said similar during my graduation toast last May. (Yes, I made them give me a toast with Champagne.)
When I replay the video from my graduation toast, I can’t help but think how drastic the difference is between what I thought of myself and what everyone else thought of me. I thought I was unpopular, people knew my face and not my name, only there when someone needed help. I wanted someone to go out of their way to get to know me, but at the same time, I didn’t want anyone to see my scars. I wasn’t invited out often and until my last year, I never went out. Don’t get me wrong I had friends, I just didn’t go to all the parties with the upperclassmen as a freshman; which really played into my time at OSU, but that’s a story for another time.
I thought all of those things about myself, while other people thought I was smart, mature for my age, caring, and too good to be bothered with. So lesson number 1, be aware of how you are perceived, it’s not always the way you think.
My point in all of this: I thought my past would haunt my future. There are still so many things that I STILL can’t put into words for you guys because I STILL worry about the effect they might have on me and my future. However, I know that what I have shared, has done nothing but good for me. I am such a stronger person for it. It has allowed me to let go of things that were holding me back and has not brought consequences into my life.
Everything I have shared with you guys, I’ve also been able to share with my family. Even my father, and although our relationship hasn’t changed much, I hope that with each story he gets to know me a little better so that one day we may be able to have some sort of relationship.
Regardless of where I came from or what I’ve dealt with, I STILL graduated from high school on time, with not one but two diplomas, I STILL graduated from college in three years with not one but two degrees,and I WILL complete my Masters in a year and a half, along with many other achievements. This is not to take away from my support system or to brag, but to show everyone that you shouldn’t let your past hold you back or define your future. No one else cares as much as you do and you are the only one that can hold you back from making things happen.
So don’t allow yourself to get caught up on what people will think seeing your scars, rather let your scars be a reminder, a lesson, a precautionary tale for others. We can’t see your scars unless you bring attention to them because they don’t define you, unless you let them.
This brings us full circle to why I developed my website into what it is. I know how hard it can be to share your secrets, but know that it doesn’t define you.
I don’t know if I properly conveyed how I felt in this. I just want you to know that your past doesn’t have to haunt your future because you are not your past.