I was naive.
I had just lived through Spring of 2010. I had just gotten through my first relationship with someone younger than myself and I was willing to believe in anything.
Here we go again, another Facebook friend request. It seems like they always start that way.
I only accepted because I could have sworn he was someone else who graduated from my high school. We laughed over that mistake. Our conversations continued and intensified quickly over the next months.
I remember finally meeting him for the first time. Mom still didn’t trust me, so I did my best to keep her informed. (inserts eyeroll) She drove me to his house and met his mother. I guess I can’t be too upset, I put her through a lot.
The first time we hung out, I didn’t want to have sex with him. Somehow he convinced me to do something else I’d never done before. That was the one and only time I ever allowed that to happen.
Going over his house became a very common thing to do. It didn’t help that his house was less than a 5 minute walk from my high school. I’m sure you can imagine how often I was there. I would make up excuses all the time to go over there and just be underneath him. I just wanted to be in his presence.
Darius made me feel a way that I can never truly explain, but at the same time, made me feel lower than anyone had before. He made me trust him. Something so foreign to me, had become a regular occurrence. He knew about Spring of 2010. He knew everything about me. He always tried to give me mature advice and the 2.5 years he had on me, put us close to the same mindset on life.
I would say that we were “f**k buddies,” but that would be a lie. We were so much more than that. He was mine and I was his, or so I thought. We did great until I asked him to label us. I became his girlfriend and our life went downhill.
It’s unfortunate but I can remember it like it was yesterday. Keep in mind, I had been around for a long time. His family knew me and being at his house with them and not him wasn’t uncommon.
I was supposed to go see him one afternoon and when I got there he was asleep, so his mom let me in the house. I got into his bed and tried to gently wake my love from his slumber, but no luck. I wasn’t leaving, being with an unconscious him is better than being without him. I got comfy in his bed and looked for games on his phone to play until he woke up.
This was the first mistake, not sure on his part or mine. We didn’t have many secrets, or so I thought. I had the password to his phone, but on this particular day, there was no password on. I started playing a game, but as I got bored of it, my curiosity sent me to other apps. You guys remember Voxer right? (If you’re too young, go look it up).
I logged into his Voxer and my blood began to boil. I came across messages between him and some unfortunate souls. I say unfortunate not out of hate or anger, but they truly could not compare. Not sure what side of the tracks they came from, but the least he could do was mess with some females that could make me jealous, of which, they could never.
Anyways, I’m reading these messages, all of which were in the wee hours of the morning, and were conversations about what they could do together and him inviting these females back to his house. Tears flooded and stained my shirt.
I waited. Outside. I waited until he woke up, he had to be confronted. The pain in my heart and my head was too much for me to not. He attempted to explain that he didn’t actually meet these females, just spoke to them through the app.
Here’s the real problem I had with the situation: “I’ve always been there for you.” I had a lot of my firsts with this man. I sat at the hospital with him and his mother for hours, hell I even did it a hospital bathroom. I did anything and almost everything he ever asked of me because I wanted him to know how appreciated he was for always being there and listening to me. (See how those things don’t equate? Yeah, it’s a 20/20 hindsight thing.) So to know that he felt the need to talk to these girls instead of coming to me, hurt the most.
Months went by, but I got over it. Believe it or not, we could have a faithful monogamous relationship without labels better, and I was willing to make it work. The sex was good and it was constant and consistent, whenever I wanted it. For some reason, he was more open with me when I didn’t have a title, which was the most frustrating thing that I never understood. Time continued to go by and we kept falling in and out of “friendship.” He wasn’t the type to keep up with me, but would answer if I called (sound familiar?).
We reconnected in December of 2013. It was like months hadn’t flown by, spent all of our time together, even decided to try the label thing again, but it wasn’t until late January when he told me he had a child on the way.
Surprise? So many emotions that I can’t think straight. Can I be angry? We hadn’t been together when it happened, but why did he wait to tell me? Did I mention the baby was due in February? I remember trying to be supportive. I knew things would change, but I figured we could work around it because I knew I loved this man.
We planned an early Valentine’s Day date because his son was supposed to come the weekend of. The date was canceled. Why? His son was born that evening. I knew things were going to change, but I thought surely if anyone could handle it, it was me.
I bought gifts on gifts on gifts for the baby. I even made an entire gift basket for the new father, called his mom for tips and everything. He never received it because he couldn’t return phone calls and the spitefulness in me took it apart and sent it all back. I wanted to be that person for him to rely on, but I learned my lesson.
Graduation from high school was a big deal for me, we talked about him coming and staying with me in nicer dorms and still keeping in touch. But I knew that was a lie on May 24th, 2014. He kept telling me that he was coming to my graduation (10 minutes from his house) and no matter what, he’d be there for me on this day. He lied. I didn’t see or hear from him for days. My heart hurt. You have to understand. This man was my everything and every time he put me through bullshit, I rationalized it. I found a way to forgive him and still be there for him.
Deep down, I knew a long time ago. I really knew when his son was born. I knew that his son had to be his number one and as much as I wanted to, there was no way I could compete. I wanted to be important to him, but I didn’t listen until that day. I told him he needed to make his son his number one, not girls, not weed, his son. I hoped that me leaving him alone would help, bring him focus and clarity, and through all the bullshit, it was still one of the hardest things for me to do. I loved him.
I decided to cut ties. I needed a new start, I needed a break. I needed to rely on myself and God. I needed God to direct my steps, I clearly wasn’t doing a good job. I decided that moving forward, men were a thing of the past. I would go to college, focus on me, and most importantly, develop my relationship with God. After all, if I had developed that relationship first, I probably wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place.
You have to really step back and analyze your situation and evaluate what you’re doing. I learned a lot about myself from that relationship. Yet, once again, he was giving me the things I didn’t receive at home (plus a little extra) and I was willing to do anything to fill that void.